Struggling

April has gone by too fast, how did we get here? Am I going to say this every month? Well, I haven’t been neglecting writing, far from it. I sit at my laptop every day and type, and at night I sit up in bed for hours with a notebook and pen, more words. They keep coming, but I can’t always make them work for me. Maybe that’s good though, that I’m struggling and having to think more about the words I use, and how I use them.

I keep thinking at the moment about all the language I lack, languages of subjects that I have no knowledge of. I read a story where a city was described as an ‘endothermic organism’ and it was just the most perfect description, but one I could not have come up with because I am not a scientist.

I am also not an architect, or an engineer, and yet they use words that I love and striked chords within me such as architraves, buttresses, beam engines. I know very little of the language of music, but if I did it would inform my writing. I need to know more. Maybe that realisation is the start of it.

So I just keep writing and reading, trying new words, new forms and seeing what happens. I’m struggling to write what we have to though. I have to complete and Industry Analysis on my work experience placement, and I cannot do it. And it has to be in on Monday. Website too, that is completely stuck. The worst is a horrible creeping feeling that at the moment I just do not care. I don’t want to do it. I have stories in my head and until they are out, I can’t do anything else.

Sometimes it feels like I just want to crawl away and scream go away. Oh dear, this is getting dark. It’s really not that bad. I think I have been troubled by writers’ envy, after reading such a good story it made me cry, and it’s not finished, and I am in such fear for the characters. I wish I could have written it. I guess what I need to do is to try and write as good as. Keep writing.