Spring sadness

Thursday 3rd: Another couple of small achievements. At the very least I sent some text messages and emails I’d been meaning to for ages. I mean to do many things, it just takes time. Most satisfyingly, I overcame my block with bloc online and did my editing for that, and got the articles up live. We all met up in the base room at Tremough, the bloc team and I think because we were all there, got a lot done.

Most of us did anyway. Someone I am having great difficulty tolerating found it difficult to do what we were there to do. I’m ashamed of myself, having recently had people be very kind towards me having a difficult time, but they bring out (and I know that’s blaming them again) a very bitchy streak in me, and everything they said and did yesterday afternoon grated on me, or made me pull faces unseen. One of the problems I think of a fairly intimate course, you have to get on with people as much as you can, or at least pretend to. Sometimes that’s nearly impossible. In the end I said something to them, and ignored the cues that were for me to ask what was wrong. I couldn’t face it. I’m not a nice person at times.

So I felt uncomfortable for the rest of the day really, and even walking down the old lane past rich scatterings of primroses didn’t help. It was such a beautiful day; warm, bright, a soft breeze and flowers everywhere. And the grass has been cut all around as well. As soon as I smell cut grass, Spring awakens inside me. It’s one of the nicest smells in the world. That and chocolate. I felt in need again of sugar, and ate a fudge bar and a bag of jelly sweets. I can’t seem to stop myself buying them, then I feel so guilty afterwards. The weight will pile back, and I’ll have to give up my new clothes, awful.

Another walk then, round the castle once more, but down right along the coast this time. Stopping off on the way at Castle Beach to take a few photos. I’d decided it was time to create my profile on my fan fiction site, so I took a photo of my notebook by the sea, in an attempt to seem interesting and different, without showing my face. I did try to take a photo of my shadow, but it just looked creepy and weird. Fun though.
In the evening I dragged myself away from my laptop again, not difficult, and went out to Chris’s house in Penryn for a select pizza party. Somehow though I wasn’t feeling sociable, so left early, and then ended up staying awake freezing until 2am writing, and listening to my most mournful CDs. Mybe I’ll sleep late though.