Longer Time

Nearly two weeks away, I've actually really missed writing this, and have felt very guilty for not doing so. A sister with a computer and an internet connection is a very useful thing, and I didn't even have to bribe her. Life, of course, got in the way, as it should sometimes. Journey home was good, I treated myself to sweets, and unfortunately have continued treating myself for the last week. That's the problem with coming home, there is plenty of food on offer, and especially at Christmas, tins of quality street seem to magically appear as do boxes of biscuits and tubes of crisps. Very, very bad for the someone on the calorie wagon.

Even worse, figure wise that is, is the amount of books I have had time to read. I've recently re-discovered the pleasure of a library, rather than the necessity of one, and have borrowed and devoured a huge amount of books. I've remembered how much I love reading just as a pleasure. Even if the library books in some cases were slightly suspiciously stained and faintly unusual smelling. It's part of the experience though. Books, chocolate and a warm bed, bliss.

It's always a slightly melancholy time, the end days of December as the light fades on another year. As I get older, there are more years to look back on and to marvel at how long ago somethings were in real time, but not in remembered time. Anniversaries come with a shock. Nearly 2008, ten years ago, I couldn't quite believe it was 1998. Strangely enough, I was new at university then, and find myself again this time round the same. There's a saying for that somewhere, but I'll leave it unsaid.

Pen and paper calls for the next week or more, sister is away (so unfair) so no computer. I'll enjoy life some more, and bid another year farewell.

Long Time

Seems like a very long time that I've been away, a week in fact. And I've actually missed writing this. It felt like I'd been getting into a rhythm, daily writing, and it was very strange, and almost rule-breaking not to write it for the last few days. Work had got in the way. Finally though, all is handed in and even now handed back! Portfolios did well, and I was pleased. Relief is definitely there, but a little bit of regret, for now the term is truly finished. A whole term, it has gone so fast. It seems hardly any time that I was making my way down the M5 not quite knowing what to expect. Soon I shall be driving back up knowing a lot more than I did.

So the last few days have felt rather empty. Without a routine I've felt a bit bored and at times lonely. But those of us still hanging around in Falmouth have met up and I'm out for tea tonight, at Jacob's Ladder last night. I took myself off to Trebah gardens yesterday which was beautiful, amazing primeval ferns and giant rhubarb plants, then stacks of bamboo, and trickling streams through fairy glens, and then suddenly the sea! Bitterly cold, but wonderful.

I've kept myself here a bit longer to see some more sights - Mousehole on Sunday to see the Christmas lights, and it's somewhere I've wanted to go for a long time, and I needed to do an extra days tutoring for a little more cash. Money again, always a problem. December has been an expensive month; having to buy a new cooker did not help, plus there was a parking fine, grr, which I tried protesting against, but the constabulary were unmoved by my use of a classically structured argument, so another £30. What a waste.

I will catch up with this over the next couple of days I'm here. Swimming and baking scones beckon, as well as a bowl of lentil soup against the cold.

Rivers of ink

To go with the forests of paper that I have been using. I will be so glad when Friday is done and all my work is handed in. Maybe I'll be able to sleep, and not lie awake, wild eyed for hours wondering if I should include my Little Red Riding Hood story, or substitute it for my Hamlet Character Tragedy. As soon as I squash those thoughts, more worries fizz up about whether I've offended people. My housemate was very quiet this evening, so I was concerned I'd perhaps offended her by not putting my dishes away. Or was it because I used her washing up water? It is of course a very arrogant thing worrying that you've offended someone, just because they're a bit quiet. I'm sure there are far more things than my dishes or me that she could have been thinking about. Anyway...
She very kindly offered me the bowl of chocolate frosting she had been using to ice muffins the other day to finish off. She knows my sweet tooth far too well. I pretended I really wasn't bothered about it, and casually said 'Oh no, I'll just have a little taste, then wash the bowl out' I waited until she had left the kitchen, then dived into the bowl and made myself feel sick by eating a few spoonfuls of white chocolate frosting. Oh but it was sweet, so sweet. And pink, strangely enough. No wonder I didn't sleep that night either with a bloodstream full of sugar and colourings.
I now have my website pretty much up and running, hoorary! With a very tasteful picture of a beach at the top which I like to think conveys an image of me as somewhat serious and thoughtful, fond of wandering along beaches, cutting a fascinating and brooding figure as I ponder amongst the rock pools. Though stamping along the sand and splashing about in the sea in flower patterned wellies is closer to the truth.

Funny stuff

I was reading someone else's blog, who took this course last year, and realised that my own effort seems quite dull in comparison. I haven't put much variety into it. Not much humour has come through, even though there has been lots that I've laughed at - certain people's obsessions with blood and heaving bosoms being one thing... It comes down I think still to my own self-consciousness at writing this. I'm more relaxed about putting my thoughts down into an open arena, I think. What I didn't set out to do, which I think some people have , is to create a persona. What is written is what is thought. The blog is just a snapshot of life here. Sometimes I forget things; sometimes I write about trivia; sometimes there is definitely too much self-analysis, but I'm working on it. I have chosen to write my blog as myself. What I have, what is here, is about the life someone who has moved 350 miles into a completely different life, and to a great extent a completely different culture. There is a world of difference between the terraced streets of Tranmere, Birkenhead and the High Street of Falmouth. Good differences though: after a term of much reflection and doubts and worrying, I'm glad I came. The problem is that old thing of worrying that I haven't written what someone else has written - writers' envy. You need as a writer to look at other people's work and use it to reflect on your own, but you still need to hang onto what you have written yourself and see that it has value also. You can still do that and take on board good criticism and editing.
Nothing funny as yet has happened today. I didn't even giggle as I was reading my work out, which, embarrassingly I have done the last few weeks, I think it's nervous laughter. What will be funny soon though is when Carlo (who writes about heaving bosoms) and I (who do not have heaving bosoms anymore - they shrank after dieting) attempt to write a Mills and Boon novel...

Paper

In the last few weeks alone, never mind the whole term, several trees must have passed through my printer. At this time, we are frantically preparing to hand in portfolios of our work for the term. Fierce debate rages in the library over whether we need two copies of everything, or just one; do we include a bibliography or not?; should we fill in a separate Critical Rationale for each piece, or use one for for all pieces? My head hurts.
I'm also now very stressed as in the flush of getting things done in advance, and printing a lot of stuff out already, I realise that I'm not happy with everything, some pieces have page numbers, others don't, and I've made a dreadful mistake in the title of some pieces. So I will have to start all over again. More paper.
So I've just wasted a few minutes taking an IQ test on facebook, which gave me a good result at least. Definitely felt the pressure of time ticking though, it's been a while since I've done a timed test. But teaching verbal reasoning as I do now and again gave me a distinct advantage I feel. I have a certain arrogance and insecurity about IQ test though, and in general, I hate to fail!
It's been a busy weekend, but a good one. Got work done, and ticked a couple more things off my 'to do' list. I also did some more baking with one of my housemates and we had a very comfortable afternoon buying ingredients and then making biscuits. I made cherry biscuits, recipe as follows: 40z butter / margarine; a tablespoon of syrup; 20z chopped glace cherries; 60z self-raising flour; 4oz soft brown sugar. Cream the butter and sugar, then add the syrup; mix in half the flour, add the cherries, then mix in the rest of the flour. You should have a smooth dough. Shape into 12 balls and place on a lined baking tray. Gas Mark 4 for approximately 12 minutes. Our gas cooker is rather slow, so we turned it up to mark 6. Electric oven will be about 15 - 180 Celsius. It makes a lovely chewy biscuit, perfect for dunking. There's nothing better on a winter evening. Ah well, back to the paper and the felling of trees.

Forgotten things

I have been thinking back over the last week or so, and what I have entered here, and I realised that I had missed a few things: it bothered me in the way that this blog is in part a diary of my time here in Falmouth, I want it to be a part of my memories here, and so I want to put record my experiences. Thursday last week (the 22nd November) for instance, I went to my first Thanksgiving party. It was hosted by an American friend on the course, and most of us went along. Not without some misgivings on my part anyway: Thanksgiving is something I was a little uneasy about; having in mind images of the Pilgrim Fathers and what subsequently happened to the Native Americans. However, what it turned out to be was a meeting of friends; a very social event and another chance to discover each other away from the course. It is in America a family holiday, and perhaps more considered than Christmas. Our Falmouth Thanksgiving was unique and was about our friendship, fun, music from all those who play instruments and because a good majority of us are vegetarians (I'm a very bad vegetarian as I eat fish, and have leather boots) quorn turkey sandwiches and mushroom roast. Delicious.
There seems to be a theme running through these entries. Another permutation of the blog, a diary and an exploration of what happens. A dominant theme seems to be food - recipes, lack of, too much. I'm sure I don't think that much about food. Or maybe I do. Since losing weight, which now seems to be a defining feature of my life, it has become something I'm more thoughtful about. Since becoming a student again, it has also had to be carefully budgeted for, and I have once again become expert at making the most of very little: using up odds and ends in soup, entirely giving up ready meals and being constantly on the hunt for reduced items. I like the challenge.
Writing this blog, still very self-consciously, I feel like it has evolved from being purely an exercise form to a diary of sorts, to a theme, to my train of thought, and round again. It emerges each day differently, and still has no recognisable form. Maybe that doesn't matter though. Maybe too much time and thought can be spent introverted, worrying about what is being written. Perhaps all that needs to be said is that this is now a feature of my life; something that I do; another group I have joined - those who write blogs. It is still an identity I am settling into and exploring.

Clouds

Feel a day behind, as I didn't blog yesterday (is that really a verb?) so have cheated a little with two entries today. Sad to say, today has also been a day of spending money I really shouldn't and eating more rich food. I made pear and ginger crumble again last night, purely for the fruit portions of course. A very simple recipe: two tins of pears in juice, drained; 60z plain flour; 4oz golden sugar; 20z butter or margarine; 2 tsps of ginger. The crumble mix is very simple: using a fork, turn the margarine, flour and sugar into crumbs, or rub together in your fingers. Then empty the drained pears into an ovenproof dish, round or oval, approx. 12 inches across and 6 inches deep, sprinkle a little sugar and the ginger over this. You can add a little extra ginger to the crumble mixture. Spread the crumble mix over the pears evenly, and put in the middle of the oven. Gas mark 6, 200 Celsius. Check after half an hour, it may need a little longer, up to 45 minutes. Serve with cream or custard, perfect in the winter evenings, thought I must confess I had some for breakfast this morning.
I have also been reading, whilst eating my crumble, a wonderful book about cloud spotting. I bought it on a whim with a book token, and have been thrilled with it. It could become my new past time. Time to finish though before the library shut me down, and I am thrown out. work to be done still, and exercise. To be continued tomorrow, with a recipe for cherry biscuits.

Books

Friday 30th November. Thursday night late night shopping was lovely. My housemate and I jumped off the bus like excited children, but were due some early disappointment. It began with almost deserted streets in Falmouth, then as we wandered from Dorothy Perkins to Thorntons (bad move - bought chocolate) more people drifted onto the streets. The weather didn't help - damp and chilly, not the weather for shopping. But we persevered. The Bookshop provided us with a treat: a free glass of wine and a mince pie, I, unusually as I don't often drink, had a very small glass of red wine which was very nice, warming, but passed on the mince pie. We were in the book shop for a long time, breathing in the warmth and the wonderful scent of new books, crisp pages and soft, fresh covers. We also met a real life author, Philip Moran, who gave us each a little photo of the real 'Soggy the Bear' star of now two books. Soggy himself was also there in the fur and so I shook his paw. As we came out of the bookshop reluctantly, we were rewarded with a band and a parade of lanterns and children down the street. They were beautiful large paper ships and lanterns, lit from inside by candles. Brought down to real life somewhat by a man with a fire extinguisher close behind, but for a moment it was fairy like.
I enjoyed myself, and it was a lovely evening. One that you realise at the time it is passing that you will remember and smile at. We finished it off with a hugely indulgent meal out at Southside: I drank ginger beer and gorged on a bowl of hand cut chips, fantastic, dabbed with ketchup and a pizza. Oh, I felt so full, but it's good to indulge once in a while. Diet starts again very soon.
I ended the day at The Front with friends from the course: one playing on the open mic night. A day of good company.

Dew Drops

Delicious little sweets, and I've just eaten a whole bag of them, now feel slightly sick. Again, I've spent money when I didn't mean to, and didn't want to. Having just spent £200 on a new cooker for my house, I really cannot buy anything else for a good while. time to be putting more stuff up for sale on ebay, another wardrobe clear out perhaps: what can I really do without?
This evening though more money will be spent, as I'm going to Falmouth for late night shopping. It will just have to be window shopping I expect, dreams and ambitions through glass. So many things I see I want, but I know I cannot have them. I wondered a while ago about the sacrifice of material things for learning. Which is what I have done coming here. Giving up possessions though is hard, I want things! New clothes, books, ornaments, good food. I'm becoming a little urchin, wandering the streets in my increasingly ragged clothes and boots with holes in, peering through windows. Not quite at the point of pressing my nose against the glass, or selling matches in the street, but it could easily go that way.
I'm not quite sure how I moved from small sugar coated jelly sweets to urchins, but that's how it goes sometimes. Random thoughts. Suddenly, everything is random. It's a word I rarely heard until I moved to Cornwall, and now I hear it several times a day, I hear myself saying it. Sometimes a word just catches your ear, and you hear it then everywhere. Sometimes it's visual, something is always in your eye. Definitely rambling now. Time to face the bus, and enjoy the glittering Christmas windows of Falmouth.

Wednesday

Middle of the week again. Penultimate week of term: this is mad; how has the time gone so fast? Woken again this morning by more drama from the family. Apparently, one of my house mates shouted out from her room for them to 'Shut up!' I was certainly thinking that, and muttering it under my bedclothes, but didn't have the gumption to actually do that. I guess though it probably wouldn't have done much good: I may have felt better for doing so; but it wouldn't have made them feel any better; it would have embarrassed my landlady which would not have been fair. Anyway, it makes mornings very awkward when the shouting and conflict gets loud. The walls of the house and doors seem to be very thin at these times.
So I spent some time this afternoon having a look at rooms available on the noticeboard; not seriously as I know that really I won't move, I just needed to have a look.
An interesting day so far then. Half-seriously I pitched an idea for a book about Service Stations for our non-fiction seminar, and it was well received, maybe I'm onto something. The research, and sheer environmental damage from petrol used however would be ridiculous. So maybe not. I think I'll stick with my cat stories for children's fiction, much more fun. Sadly it's pouring down with rain, Cornish weather, but it's not cold. Cold, wet weather is the bitter end of the year.
Money is becoming difficult: I keep spending it. Hot chocolate at Five Degrees yesterday taking a chunk of £2 out of my budget - but it was so worth it; covered in tiny marshmallows and sweet, sweet chocolate sprinkles. Perhaps unrealistically I've been trying to stick to £3 a day on food, some days it works, others it doesn't. Asda smart price really does help at times. Sometimes though you just need a quality bag of sweets or a bar of real chocolate. I'm looking forward to reaching the days again when I can eat a meal and not think to myself 'that cost me 40p per portion'. Kind of takes the fun out of eating. Still, the size eight skirt now fits nicely; the impoverished student diet has some benefits.

More Clarity Today

Hopefully anyway. I realised after glancing over yesterday's entry, that I had leaped wildly from writing about biscuits to punctuation marks to emotions, with not a clear thread between them. I think it was reflecting the state of chaos that was in my mind. Still slightly chaotic: not much sleep again last night, this is getting tiresome. Strangely enough, at the end of November, it was too hot to sleep! I ended up flinging the window wide and throwing the quilt off. Falmouth has a very different climate to the North West - my family report that there have been regular frosts since the beginning of November, and the cats and dog are pressed close to the fire every evening.
That's another thing I'm missing: a real fire. My parents have always had one, and it makes a winter evening. We have even roasted sweet chestnuts in it, and toasted bread on a fork; it tastes so much nicer than toaster toast. But not long now until Christmas holidays and some time to enjoy home and home comforts. As I think I've said before, the two weeks I will have off will be the first proper holiday in a long time. I'm going to try and use the time well though: plan what next, do some writing and take time just to enjoy.
I had a really interesting conversation with someone today about enjoying studies. That I think was the main reason I came here, because I enjoy writing, and I want to learn more about it. I have ambitions to, but I've never wanted to do a degree simply to gain a qualification.
Today has been a good day actually: I felt like I got somewhere with creating my website; it now has some proper content and the start of a layout; and I was offered a great opportunity with the college which I'm going to take. Since I've come here there have been down days, and I have thought at times I'd just like to go home, but then chances come, people reach out to you and you can take what is offered and be able to offer something yourself. I don't know if that sounds quite right, and hopefully I don't sound too pretentious, but essentially I am enjoying the journey here and realising that I made the right decision.

No more biscuits

Unfortunately not; all gone; eaten; only crumbs left in the biscuit tin. I'm also practising my use of the semi-colon, and other punctuation marks, so excuse any terrible mistakes: I'm experimenting having re-read Lynne Truss's famous book this week. My emotions seem to be swinging wildly up and down at the moment: one day I'm feeling positive and happy, feeling that at last I've found my path in life and I'm going to be a published writer; the next, it's all despair and hopelessness, and doubt in myself to make it work. All I can do is keep going and keep writing. My head feels kind of fuzzy too; not enough sleep for the last week. Partly to do with keeping deadlines, which has meant writing till past midnight, it has also been to do with the usual worry about all the things I need to do which I haven't done yet. Today was going to be a day for striking some things off the list, and I haven't managed to yet. I will keep this brief for now, and come back later.
To Leigh who has been kind enough to comment on my blog and my writing, thank you so much for your words, and I'm sorry I've not kept up as much with your blog, I am reading your posts and catching up now.
I think it's the nearing the end of term feeling - there's a finishing post in sight: portfolios will be in soon, and then we on the course can all draw breath. Until then the pace has picked up and I feel in danger of being left behind. At least I know that I've not missed a deadline yet, and I don't intend to either. I work best if I have a brief and deadline, and I am clear on what I have to do. If I'm not sure I panic, and then get behind. It takes a while to get to know your working practice - I think I'm understanding mine more.

Very Late on Sunday

Almost eleven at night, and I'm in the college library, writing away, after a day spend mostly writing, with the odd break to eat a home made ginger biscuit, or seven. They didn't help much. I'm struggling to continue a story which began well, following a story form, abut is now slipping out of control: the characters are doing their usual and not doing what I want them to. I think I've broadly stuck to the structure, it's in there somewhere, but the story seems to be fighting to break free. I'll persevere tomorrow.
Sundays seem to be beach days. I had another walk along which was much needed. In the end, it was a longer walk than I had intended: almost to Swanpool from Gillie Beach (don't think that's spelled quite right) but it was lovely. And I saw a wild rabbit, then embarrassed myself as someone stopped to ask what I was looking at and I replied 'A bunny.'
There were masses of dogs about. This is their season. A lot of greyhounds, and a beautiful Dalmatian with a red collar which was called Pebbles - it was being chased by a little girl with very pink cheeks.
I think I can't write any more just for the moment, my eyes are tired and my back aches. The thought of a warm and comfortable bed is very appealing. And maybe just one more ginger biscuit.

Saturday

Catching up today, two posts to make up for the fact of not writing one yesterday. Still feel this is a bit of a word explosion onto the page, thoughts just come out. I still haven't done the work I meant to today. Procrastination: cooking, letter writing and tidying up. My favourite deferment activities. I really need to begin getting my portfolio together, and improving my web page content. At least I have something up, but I need more, and need to get it organised. Also, I need to re-write my 'About Me' section - on the website and on the Bloc site. It's been edited a little bit awkwardly, and s sentence has been taken out of context so now speaks baldly that 'I want to be a better writer' which I do, but not to express things in that way. Presenting yourself is a difficult thing to do. I think I will put up the script I wrote for a screen writing session. We were lucky enough to meet with Michael Wiese who has published many books on the subject, and Colin Rogers. They liked my script! So did everyone else, which was a wonderful feeling. With some editing and changes, I think it will work well. Perhaps this is the option I should take, and work on a novel myself. Too many choices. It's hard enough deciding what to eat sometimes. Finishing I've just decided is a difficult choice as well; sometimes the right point just happens, other times you have to create it yourself. Sometimes the library does it for you by turning the computers off. I think I'll end here.

Friday

This is a little late being posted, but better than not at all. I had something of a day off yesterday, refuelling, mentally and physically. I wrote, but just a little in the evening. The day started early, up to Tremough even on a day I didn't have to be, for a talk about going into teaching, which I really don't know if I want to do, but feel like it's heading that way. I was very grumpy about having to pay £2 to park, for two hours. Previously I have been driving people in as well as myself, and parking down a little side road in Penryn, blocking in no one, not creating a dangerous situation in the road. Then on Wednesday an article appeared in the Packet, about students parking badly, which some do, the next day, the police and council have been issuing tickets, including one on my car. I see an opportunity to use 'The Form' to argue against this, however, the point is that it's created a difficult situation for me. On one hand, I don't wan to be a cause of pollution, and more carbon: I'm not being a selfish driver and simply driving myself in - the car is always full. The buses are so unreliable, and on a dark evening, waiting around for a bus in a badly lit place is the last thing I want to do, and want my friends to do. The bus is also expensive, despite a small subsidy for students. My budget is very tight, driving and driving others who kindly donated me some petrol money was cheaper. It is a dilemma. Am I by insisting on wanting to drive, even though I'm car sharing, being irresponsible? I'd be far more willing to get the bus if they were cheaper and more reliable. Any thoughts welcome.
I drove my friend and I to Truro yesterday, but we parked out of town and walked a way in. It's a lovely city, it reminded me of Chester, lots of little streets, old buildings which in Truro's case (unlike a lot of Chester) have been saved. The cathedral was beautiful, and fascinating for the fact of its little quirk in shape - it's not quite in a straight line.
I spent more money than I intended to, and bought far too many sweets. I just find it very hard to resist. If I calculated how much money I spend on sweets on a year, it would be horrifying. But at least they've brought me pleasure, even if it is hollow, calorie laden pleasure. Oh dear.

Ideas

There are lots of ideas swimming about at the moment, getting them all down and figuring them out is more difficult. Sometimes when we're given an idea, and an instruction, about what to write it all goes astray, and I end up with something not quite to the brief. That happened in one of my last pieces of writing. I think it worked well, but looked beyond the brief slightly. Maybe it was making connections. Perhaps its needing to let go of ego. I like the fact that there is a huge amount to learn.
Unfortunately though that is still not helping me to sleep at night. Great long 'to do' lists haunt me, and wake me at horrible o'clock in the morning panicking that something hasn't been done. Career Development Loan being a big one at the moment, plus a lot of letters that really need to be written.
I've tried keeping in touch with friends through facebook, the trouble is, I've got swamped by it, too many applications, people send me stuff and it gets lost. A little bit of pruning needs to be done I think. Which reminds me, rather tangentially, of something my parents' neighbour said: a man prone to malapropisms or barberisms as we've now called them. He was telling my dad that his teenage son is now spending a lot of time in the bathroom, 'pruning' himself. Quite an image. I must keep a note of all these things.
Scripwriting this afternoon, I'm looking forward to it. Not sure if I can do it, but I'm going to have a good try.

Long Day

Wednesdays are not usually long, so perhaps this is why I'm feeling the length of hours spent concentrating more than usual. I haven't actually had any tea yet, so am starving, and am beginning to be sidetracked by thoughts of food, particularly desserts. Another short entry in this diary of sorts as we will shortly be thrown off the computers as the library closes up. I'm thinking more about how this blog is developing. Reluctantly at first, but it has become a habit, and feels very difficult now to not write anything. Still there is not quite yet a rhythm to it, or a voice. That's still developing. At the moment it is a record of events, of feelings, thoughts, developments I hope too. I think I'm mostly writing it for myself, with the awareness that at least one other person will definitely be reading it, though, which was pleasing, others have read it and been kind enough to comment on my words. There is no theme here, not consciously anyway, though I think there is underlying what I write the newness of my setting, the feelings towards the new path my life has taken, and my thoughts about writing as I embark on taking it seriously for the first time in a long time.
So today has felt a long day. Thinking this morning about the pieces we are handing in, including this blog; and then an afternoon spent being introduced to features, which was interesting. I have some ideas that might work for features. That might be the route I take alongside either a book or a screenplay. Not much time left to decide. I shall go and think some more. And have something to eat.

Clouds

Very strange dreams last night, clouds lined with fire, and me driving through darkness and rain to make a meeting. which was then cancelled. I couldn't sleep well, strange noises, humming and throbbing were coming from the docks which plunged into a disturbing nightmare world in the dark. Trouble is if I leave the light on I can't sleep either so I have to have darkness. Then shapes emerge as I'm drifting.
I will start my dream diary again. The price paid for a vivid imagination are some fearful nightmares over the years. I have at home notebooks full of words, dreams, visions. I am feeling a lack of sleep today though, things are not quite right, spelling is suffering, and words appear on the paper, and the screen, the wrong way round. It might be interesting to publish this without spell check.I can spell, but sometimes my fingers have a little seizure on the keys.
Just had a quick break for some crips and chocolate, haven't eaten chocolate for days, so succumbed to the temptation of a dairy milk with creme egg bar. Feel pleased with the comments on my writing this week, a story about cats doing unusual things went down well. Maybe I'm becoming a proper writer.

Teaching

Somehow I feel as if I'm being drawn towards teaching, inexorably (I like the sound of that word!) When I got my first English degree, it was assumed that was what I was going to do with it from everyone who wanted to know what my degree was in. I resisted, but ended up as a teaching assistant for a few years. I enjoyed the work very much, but knew when the time had come to move on. Now I find myself thinking about teaching. I tutor a couple of children, and love doing that. One thing I'd really like to do and have thought about for a while is lecturing, but have been told that a phd is necessary for that. That is next on my studies list, when I can afford to. I enjoy helping people to learn, and passing on what I know, and helping others to find out, encouraging, bringing on what they already know. I've never had a vocation, things in life have sometimes just happened, jobs have become known to me, and I've gone for them. I want to make a living by writing, but I'm fairly certain that at first I will need a 'base' career and a safety net to work in as well. Money is always the cold reality, sadly. Maybe if I actually played the lottery I would have a chance of winning it. It's like when I was overweight, I would complain constantly about wanting to be thin, and how I could never lose weight, as I reached for a box of jaffa cakes. It took a while to sink in that actually I just needed to eat less and exercise more. Hmm, don't know quite how I got here from teaching, but it's something I can write a little more on. There is a danger of becoming a weight loss bore, but I'm pleased with myself for losing nearly three stone in eighteen months. Just slipped that in there neatly - as I can now slip into a size eight. That was a moment to savour. In the changing room of Next, a lovely green skirt in my grasp, and hope in my heart. I was fortunately not alone to celebrate the moment, two of my friends were with me, and were kind enough to congratulate me. The slim fast shakes had been worth it.

Rain

I'm struggling for an idea, and really should be writing for that, but here goes, maybe something will come. Maybe I should just sit and write. I took a long walk along Castle Beach today, scuffing in the sand, splashing in the rock pools, I really enjoyed myself, and I found a stone shaped like a snail which pleased me. It's now sitting on my window sill, gazing out over the harbour. I think I needed the sea air to blow round me for a bit, I've not taken nearly enough advantage of having a beach five minutes walk away from where I'm living. The sea was wonderful, storm green, and the sky to match, rain smacking the sand, and then suddenly, the sun burst through and a rainbow shone over.
The rain is pounding again though, dark streaks running down the window. I don't think I'll walk out this evening, perhaps use the luxury of the car instead for once. I've somehow managed to drive nearly 3000 miles since the beginning of September when I got the car, and that's without using it every day, it must be the epic trips up and down the West of the country, Cornwall to Wirral which I've undertaken three times now. I used to have to drive every day for work, and felt that my life was just driving: sitting, checking, looking in mirrors, judging other people, making decisions, but I'm breaking out of that, driving is a pleasure again, and even when I make the 350 mile trip up North, it's an adventure. It's easy to become a bit of a car geek, but I have geek potential definitely, being always interested in trip clock mileages and miles per gallon performance. There's an inner geek in all of us.

Baking

The baking helped. I feel calmer today, and a little less stressed, even without confectionery. There is something very satisfying about creating food. I made vegetable soup and a pear and ginger crumble. this evening I have a large batch of ginger biscuits planned before I go out to a party one of my fellow students is hosting. It's felt a more satisfying day, and I've got a lot a things done. Unfortunately, some tasks have been procrastination. There are several assignments pending, and I haven't begun them all yet. So the trip to Tescos, and the laundry and floor mopping whilst useful, were not really essential. Coming up to the library was me trying to force myself into action. I guess this is the professional bit about writing, self discipline and motivation. There just seem to be so many other life things to fit in as well. i know though that I can be a very lazy person, and I'm very bad about getting things done on time. I make lots of 'to do' lists, but some items have been on them for literally years, always put off as being too difficult and time consuming to tackle just yet. On the other hand, sometimes I'm very proactive, and get things done immediately. I wouldn't have got myself here to this stage otherwise. Part of the problem may be not having a holiday for a while, two years properly. The longest space of time I've had when I've not had to do anything else; work or commitments in the last two years has been 3 days. What I do is try to snatch time as much as I can, and use days here when I'm not in college as days off. not all of them, but weekend days particularly, I like to go out and do something. Little pieces of time are not enough though. I think I've made the decision that I'm not going to work over Christmas. I'm going to use the time to plan, to write and to make some decisions.
My mum has very very kindly offered to buy me a laptop for Christmas. It's given me incredibly mixed feelings though. I'm really happy, and it will be wonderful and useful to have one, but at the same time I feel guilty that she is spending such a lot of money on me, and I feel then pressure that it means I have to succeed at this, and I don't know yet if I can. But I will keep trying my hardest.

Growing Up

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a grown up. Too many responsibilities. My car, which has unfortunately since passing my driving test 5 years ago become an essential part of my life, was damaged last night. I came out to find a sticker left on the window by the police, and the wing mirror hanging off. Somehow, I didn't feel angry, just depressed that it had happened, again, and here in Falmouth, where, perhaps naively I'd thought car crime didn't happen. My previous car had its mirrors kicked off three times when I lived in Birkenhead. the last time was when someone attempted to steal it, couldn't drive it away , so wrecked it instead, leaving a forlorn wreck of a car. That was the end of August, just before I moved here. Very fortunately, I have a kind father who helped me out with a newer fiesta. Just what is the point of knocking off a wing mirror? It's not like whoever did it got anything from it. It was just another thing I had to deal with. I missed my lecture, I lost time and money phoning the police and taking it to be fixed. What stopped complete despair at human nature setting in though was two very nice mechanics at the garage who managed to fix it back on for free for me. I bought them some biscuits. So that's the car. The other responsibility and source of stress at the moment is my own house, which I'm renting out at the moment. Damp is becoming a real problem. I didn't have a problem with it, but it's an old house, the bricks are crumbling in places, and damp is creeping in. Maybe I should just sell. Too much to think about. I'm going to go in a moment, buy some chocolate, and make a pear and ginger crumble. And wish I was a cat: they have no responsibilities. But they can't eat chocolate, damn!

Still writing

Once again, not sure what to write, but let's see. Seems like more moans, but this is a way of working things through. A little bit of tension came to the surface today on the course. I think we had all been sensing that there was unhappiness, all of us have been having little moans to each other about some aspects of the course. The main thing seems to be our worries about technology and communications, how they are not always reliable, sometimes late, sometimes wrong. Some class time this morning then was used in talking about this. Part of it is I think that we feel compared to last year's group. I know a lot of great things were done by the students, we don't feel up to all that somehow. When I came for an open day I felt how glowingly last years students spoke of the course, and I think most of us are yet to feel that.
I spoke about something a lot of us have said between us, which was that we felt unprepared for the year: for all the equipment in terms of constant email / Internet access, a laptop we would need. The response was that the tutors assumed we would know this as professional writers. At that I felt very small, inadequate and unprofessional. I don't have a laptop. To be honest, I couldn't afford one in paying for the course. I know now it will be very useful to have one, and that at some point soon I'm going to have to get one. The problem with complaining or criticising is that you expose yourself when you do so. I try to think very carefully before doing so. It's easy to criticise emptily. It's important to back up what you say with a solution, if you have a problem and a valid reason for a criticism.
I hope that we can get over this, things are beginning to feel somewhat fractured amongst us, and there is still tension: the feeling that something is going to be said, something unpleasant. But maybe it needs to be, and we can move on. To end on good note though, I can see through the window of the library the hillsbelow the sky which is pale blue cloud. Framing the scene are trees with sunlight glowing through. A beautiful November day.

More writing

Not quite in the mood for writing, things feel a bit flat. I think I'm in the middle of the feeling that I can write, but I'm not as good as I thought I was, and I'm not certain yet how I can get better. The course is one way, but for the moment my writing feels a bit stagnant. When I was younger, still at school, there was no stopping the writing, I had so many ideas, notebooks filled with words, dreams, stories, poems. Then somehow it gradually slowed, and stopped, for a while. It's back, but not yet up to the pitch that it was. I guess I just have to keep going, and writing.
Stories seem to figure a lot of cats at the moment. And rabbits. They are my favourite animals, and Watership Down is one of my favourite books, though it didn't go in the six chosen recently. Cats have always been loved deeply, though I got to 20 before I was able to have one of my own. She of course is still very much with me, and is still full of kitten energy and play. She seems to invite stories and adventures to be told about her.
This is going to be short I think today. I'm tutoring very shortly, and then a rather mundane trip to Asda, but it's always a chance to observe and think, overhear an interesting snippet of dialogue. More later.

Rain

Tuesday again, not my favourite day of the week as it's neither beginning, middle or end. A nowhere day. Not a bad day though this Tuesday having just hurt its feelings criticising it! I feel like I've finally arrived - I have a website! Bit of a blank canvas as yet, and name not yet decided, but will post it up as soon as it takes a little more shape. There is something quite cool about typing in your name and your own page coming up. I can see there is great potential there, and once I have the technical skills, I'll really enjoying making it my own, decorating and furnishing it. It may even become my surrogate house as I'm missing that at the moment! The contents part of it needs some organisation as yet, but there is stuff to go on. Layouts and presentation also need a lot of work, but the start has been made. It's challenging stuff though this website building. A friend was telling me as I (half joking) mentioned that paying someone to create a site for me seemed like a good idea, that hundreds of pounds can be charged for this. Maybe I've gone into the wrong career. Then again possibly I'm not naturally minded that way, I don't know. It's something I've never tried, or even really thought of trying. Like tree surgery: never came into my radar of job options, but then a former colleague left to go and train as one. Maybe I could have turned out to be a brilliant tree surgeon, maybe I will. I like the idea of being able to try all sorts of things, something I need to keep doing and keep refreshing myself with. Perhaps a list of careers / hobbies to try at some point would be interesting. I think I've tended to go for safe options for work up to this point, and haven't been too beyond the ordinary. Now and again though, I like to go and have an adventure and try something different, probably not often enough. I feel a definite list coming on, and some research. Time for a new experience.

Back Again

Feel a little rusty after not writing this for three days, still, a good reason for not doing so I think. The weekend at home was brilliant. I got home as I thought just after 9pm on Thursday, time enough for a couple of hours to wind down after the drive, and to be made a fuss of by my parents and my cat, who was delighted in her way to see me. It's always nice to be missed! Friday was a wonderful day: we drove up to Lancaster (thankfully my mum drove me, I don't think I could have faced getting back into the car so soon) and we were immediately treated to fish and chips by my uncle Eric. We then worked them off gathering and chopping wood for a bonfire. Eric lives on a farm, bordered by a stream with overhanging trees, so no shortage of wood. He had also had a big clear out from his shed which contains years of family oddments. On the bonfire pile was an old wardrobe and a commode chair!
We broke from the firewood collecting to have slices of ginger cake, a recipe called 'Moorland Moggy' which is deliciously soft and gingery, with lemon icing. As it grew dark we lit the first phase of the bonfire, tremendous! The heat and the speed of the flames devouring everything was awesome. We had hot potato soup while we watched it, and put some potatoes wrapped in foil in the embers at the bottom. Eric keeps a few chickens who danced about a bit watching the flames, not too bothered, and then took themselves off to roost (not roast, these are pet chickens)
We had the bonfire in two stages, a quick burst to burn all the rubbish, and then a longer burning fire for all the wood. It was damp at this time, so it steamed and smoked for a little while before erupting.
The potatoes were cooked perfectly, and had a gorgeous smoky taste, nothing better. I think though I ate far too much carbohydrate - three lots of potato in one day! Plus cake, chocolate and fish. The pounds are creeping back... Then again, I think gathering all the wood probably knocked a few off.
It was a real winter day, bone chillingly cold, and then the heat of the bonfire. Even Auntie Dorothy who is a venerable lady of one hundred was able to enjoy it from indoors. Eric is her son, and carer. She would not have made the age she is without his care.
I seem to be jumping from one thing to another, but I feel there is a lot to write about. I have actually missed writing, now it's all blurting out!
It was a good weekend. So much to pack in, and not enough time to see everyone I wanted to. I only got to visit a couple of friends, but it was good to be home again. I do miss Wirral, despite being in some ways gald to be away from it. Coming back to Falmouth this time was not as bad. I went home a month ago, two weeks after starting the course, and was very reluctant to come back, this time as I have said in my laste few entries, I'm feeling happier here.
I think this is enough for now, rather a chunk of words. More tomorrow!

Long drive ahead

Just a very short entry, for various reason. One being our reading group which starts in ten minutes, and another that I'm going home this today, back up to Wirral, which will be brilliant, once I get there. If I can leave today at 3pm, I should be back about 9pm. My little car makes good time, as long as the roads are clear. I have a little bag of provisions to keep me going as well: a crust of a loaf I baked, and a flask of hot chocolate! I enjoy driving, even such a long journey as this, but it's thinking time, and a chance to not do anything else. It's also one of the few occasions I listen to some of my music. Sadly, I am very dated, and still have cassettes, but there's something good and solid about a tape: slotting it in, rewinding, slightly grainy sound. My friends laughed at me when I was taping my CDs in preparation for coming down here, but I'm just not ready yet for an ipod. It takes me time to get used to new things, and I like to choose what I want to have, rather than thinking I should have it because lots of other people do.
I've really felt, on a completely different thought trail now, that I am now part of our group at college. We are all somehow, more at ease with each other. It feels natural when we sit and have lunch, and have conversations about semi colons. I love this. That was what I was missing, in the sense of being able to talk to others about things that are important in other ways: books that we love, how a sentence works. They may seem esoteric, but sometimes you need that. It's like my dad talking to his friends about black 5s (steam engines) and whether LNER engines are better than GWR engines. We all need our obsessions and passions.
Time is just about up, I haven't written the rest of my story, but I think that's okay. I'll work on it as I drive.

Arrival

Parcel here at last! I have become emotionally involved with this parcel, and was overjoyed to see it on the stairs when I got in today. It did indeed contain chocolate, slightly crushed bars, but none the less wonderful tasting. It must be at least three days since I'd had any, blissful. And a letter from my mum with the leaves from Lancaster. I also had a letter from a friend at my old workplace, and more prosaically, a bank statement. But it wasn't too awful to read, so overall a good post day. The parcel had been delayed no fault of Royal Mail, my mum had put the wrong house number so it had been waiting I think only yards form me, the chocolate perhaps calling to me tragically. The bars are safe now though!
Other than that, not a bad day. I'm feeling more at ease with the others on the course, had a good chat today with a few people. And our group handed in our witch project, which we were very satisfied with, and proud of. Our trip to Padstow and Harlyn was very valuable.
It brought me a bit of guilt though, we'd talked about splitting petrol costs (I had driven) and I hadn't asked any more since the trip, but then texted the other guys today about it. I just hope I'm not being too mercenary about petrol money. When people have a lift from me, they usually give me a bit of money. At first, some people did and others didn't, so I thought that it would be better to ask everyone for 20p a time. I do get anxious about money, I don't like to ask, but then I feel troubled if I haven't, and don't want to be taken advantage of. That's probably a bit extreme though, and unfair to people. Money is a burden. Not enough especially, if I had more, I wouldn't think about asking, but feeling that every penny is important at the moment, I have asked, and now feel guilty and a bit grasping. I will talk to the others.
Writing not feeling so good at the moment. The character piece we handed in this week, is not as good as it should have been. Reading others' work has made me really question my piece, and feel that horrible inadequacy again. Perhaps character writing is something I do need to work on. That and dialogue I think. What happened this time was I think that I got too involved with the scene setting, and actually the secondary character took over. My main character was a little too bland and good. But I will try again.
The piece we are writing for Derrick seems to be coming okay. It's a silly piece about a tightrope walking rabbit with ambitious dreams, so I hope it achieves its aims.
One other assignment which was very easy to do, and fun was listing six favourite books: Lord of the Rings, Foyle's Philavery, Roget's Thesaurus (combined these as one, so cheated a tiny bit!) The Aspern Papers (Henry James) The Chalet School In Exile - Elinor Brent Dyer, Wilkins Gets aJob - Marjorie Newman and The Princess and the Goblin - George MacDonald
Must stop now before the computers log off and all is lost!

Now very worried

The parcel has still not arrived, and it has been confirmed that it did contain chocolate, and irreplaceable things. My mum posted it to me from Lancaster, and she included a letter, and some leaves from her walk. If they are lost, I can never have them. That troubles me.
I have been reading a few peoples' blogs who are also on the course, it was reassuring in some ways, as I think all of us are to some extent experiencing shifts in our perceptions of our writing. I used to think of myself, in part due to what others said to me, that I was good at writing. Now I really don't know. I'm not even sure I can write this blog very well, I don't think I have found truly my 'voice' yet. I try and write what is true, how I see things, but then I read other work, and that terrible envy sometimes creeps in, I wish I could have written like that. I felt quite pleased with a piece I had written today, but then with just one comment, I felt sunk, and it was no good. Though I know rationally, that that is unfair to the person who made the comment, and actually they were quite right about the point they made. This is hard. My confidence feels destroyed at times. I need more ambition, and to be more active, somehow though I drift sometimes, too many other things happen and want to be done. Perhaps what needs to happen is a plan, some scribbles and drawings on paper, space and time to think without letting the time now run away.

Still no parcel

My mum sent me a parcel last week, first class and it has still not arrived! This is terrible, I'm now feeling very anxious about it, I hate anything to be lost, plus it contained a lot of my post form home, and even worse to be lost, a chocolate bar. Every day since last Monday I've waited by the front door, for that lovely 'thunk' as post drops through the letterbox. I did at least get a letter today from a friend, so something nice. Ironically, if the parcel ever arrives, I will probably have been home and back by the time it gets to me. Not always a great service from Royal Mail. Considering the amount of money I give to them by sending ebay parcels, I should demand a better service, possibly even my own personal postman, now there is an interesting thought.
Enough about post though I think. Apart form the fact, that I need to get to the post office before the close of business today, a bag full of parcels await their destinations. People have been good enough to buy things from me, so I need to send them.
The service I went to last night was very interesting, and I have many things I'm now thinking about. I met some very nice people, who I had seen last Sunday at the group church meeting in Falmouth. They were good enough to admit they had forgotten my name, I was not so brave, but I think they realised and kindly wrote down their phone number and their names for me.
I did a lot of writing last night, and enjoyed doing it. Two pieces, one an argument form, and the other a sentence structure piece. This was the most fun to write as I think it will be the beginning of a story. The argument piece was interesting, and also I realised as I posted it that another student had written on a similar subject. I did feel a little uneasy as when I joked about this she said she had mentioned the subject to me last week, it was not a conscious thing though, I had been going to write about cats, but it wasn't working, chocolate seemed a better subject, and our essays were very different, so I'll not worry about it.
I will finish here today I think, lots to do as I am fond of saying, and we are shortly to have a meeting about our group project which is still not quite finished. It will be soon though!

Afternoon

Here again, four days in a row, I can feel pleased with myself! Have just come from a thwarted attempt to buy some stuff. There is usually a car boot sale at Mabe on Sunday afternoons, sadly, I got there to find the gates locked, and no boot sale, and I even had ten pounds in my purse, ripe for spending! Could really have done with it, I'm running out of things to sell on ebay, am resorting to selling my clothes! Admittedly they are ones that are too big for me, but my wardrobe is rapidly depleting. Hopefully, going home this weekend, and going to the Liverpool Primark with my mum though so can stock up on winter clothes before the cold sets in. I'm really looking forward to being home again: seeing my cat, the dog, my family, and hopefully some of my friends (see how the cat takes priority!) Friday should be brilliant, a huge bonfire at our relative's farm in Lancaster with marshmallows, potatoes, cake and toffees, I shall diet again afterwards. I can feel myself slipping back into bad eating habits on that note though, more sweets and chocolate, and a few more slivers of pumpkin pie, oh and a shortbread biscuit this morning, full of calories. Really missing my sport, but I still haven't got hold of a costume yet. that will have to be at the weekend I think as well.
This is only fairly short today as I'm going back to the house to try a jumble sale, which will I hope be on! I feel the need to buy some books, haven't for at least a week. Then I need to get on with the two outstanding assignments I have, and I am going to the Falmouth Baptist Church this evening to try a service there. I'm still not entirely comfortable going to church, but it's something I wanted to do coming down here, an new start with lots of things.

editing

Sitting in the library at the moment, multi tasking, editing with a group our piece about the curse, and at the same time checking my ebay stuff, and blogging! Successful day so far, a piece of work written, and the group editing is going very well. We are all building up our negotiating and writing skills, this is very useful. We also have some wonderful drawings by Tom who as well as being a superb musician can also draw and write, I could feel envious.
After this, I think I deserve a cup of tea, and my housemate and I are planning some baking and soup making. With this, I am beginning to feel more of a home where I'm living.
I was talking to someone last night about feeling the need for challenges in our lives, and that seems right. I thin my last challenge probably was leaving a job two years ago that I was desperately unhappy and bullied in, and managing to fund my life for three months independently, tutoring and selling books second hand on the Internet. It was hard, but brought amazing freedom: I could wake up in a morning and decide where I would travel to that day, to search for treasure in car boot sales and charity shops. I then joined the dependent working life working life again for two years, before arriving in Falmouth, jobless but determined. My sights are on that same kind of freedom, working myself using my own resources. I think it's possible, I just have to work very hard.
Thinking back to yesterday, there was something I will always remember, walking along the beach at Harlyn Bay, butter yellow sand underneath and the sea turquoise beyond. On a November day, it was so beautiful. I was so glad to be here.

Haunting

Really good day today in Padstow and Harlyn, searching for a cursed field for a research topic. We found some very helpful people who gave us lots of information and we had a good explore in the area. We found Harlyn house which has a very dark history, and Mother Ivey Bay. After a hard day information hunting we retired to Padstow to enjoy fish and chips and some delicious mint fudge.
Even better, I actually had a good nights sleep, in bed at half nine, and must have been asleep by ten, brilliant! Feel much better. I am typing this on my housemate`s mac something I`ve never used before so typing is slow. Think I prefer a pc or laptop, it keeps doing unexpected things. But it`s saved me going the four miles to Tremough Campus so can`t complain! I`m deciding whether to go out later, I think it would be good to, but I may have to see how much work I get done. There`s a lot to do.
More post today, great. My latest Friends of the Chalet School club magazine has arrived, so that will be a good read tonight.
I enjoyed Padstow, but it made me think about material things, I`ve pretty much given up any spending money to do this course, and so knew I couldn`t really buy anything (apart from fish and chips and fudge of course!) I think though it has been a worthwhile sacrifice, there was nothing I really wanted, I don`t need more things, other than a few more winter clothes, and I think I`ve gained in mind. Being able to be here in Cornwall is better than souvenirs.

Back Again

Two days in a row, this is good. I was thinking last night that I probably write too much negative stuff, need to be more positive and active! Still sleep was non existent last night thanks to house children's Halloween screaming going on in the back garden until half two. Okay, I didn't get to bed till half one, but still. Was fun seeing everyone's costumes last night out in Falmouth, some really great dress, I think the best was someone dressed as a slightly shrunken pumpkin. And I had some pumpkin pie to eat which was wonderful. I was a pig yesterday: nearly a whole 150g mint aero bar, pumpkin pie and three mini doughnuts, the weight will be piling back, it's taken me over a year to lose two and a half stone, but it could go back in weeks. Bread, water and apples today only. Except it would have been had I not finished off the aero bar for breakfast.
I had a nice long conversation with my mum yesterday, she hadn't rung for a few days so I was glad to hear from her. She may be sending me some chocolate in the post, don't know if that's such a good thing. She and my sister had carved a vomiting pumpkin, pitiful rather than evil looking according to the picture I was texted.
My parking space has gone! I'd found a really nice little side road by the campus to park on, but now I think it has been discovered, even getting there at 8.30 and there is a sold block of cars already, unfair. Perhaps I'll just have to get up really early, oh dear.
Just spotted someone else from the course blogging, perhaps Christina is right.
This afternoon we'll be watching the film we made in our first week based on the story of Giant Bolster, looking forward to that, it will be fun to watch. Some chocolate would make it ideal of course. No! I need to get back to my exercise routine as well, haven't played badminton or tennis for weeks! Or even been swimming. There is a problem at the moment with swimming though as I don't actually have a costume, no sign of anything suitable on ebay, so I guess I'll wait till I get home and go to the nice cheap sports shop. Sadly last night I didn't have my hour of tutoring, the family I go to had forgotten to tell me not to come, so I arrived to find a small skeleton child swinging on the gate and myself in the middle of a Halloween party, which was slightly embarrassing. Some spare time gained, but money lost. Note: try not to obsess about money. Time for a scratchcard tonight I think, a small treat.

Whatever

Better do a bit more blogging as have tailed off since Sunday. Trouble is that it's difficult to get to the Internet everyday, and I certainly can't when I am home, which will be next weekend again, good. I get the idea of writing every day, and I do, technology is the problem. Perhaps I should invest in a laptop. I'm concerned though, maybe too much about money. Every penny is accounted for. Clothes, one of my favourite things to shop for, and a great comfort, have not been bought since the end of August, this is bad! Definitely feeling the pressure to be stylish here, I feel I am failing.
Not the best of days today, not sure why, just odd things. The radio writing was good. The bloc meeting I'm unsure about, still don't feel I know what I'm doing I am working with someone, maybe I need to be more active and get together to discuss our role. I also felt very disappointed today when someone revealed they are setting up a theatre group, this was someone I had been talking to about doing this very thing. But there's no room now for anyone else in this person's management team so tough. I felt like I used to in school when one of my best friends wasn't being friends with me anymore, she would go and form clubs with other children, that could only have four members, and I would be the fifth. I guess I could just set up my own company of course, in rivalry, or would that be petty? I'm still not good at being active.
What was useful was the student rep meeting, I feel I'm doing something good there. And I helped someone (I think) with suggestions for writing something today, that felt good. Maybe after all I am destined to be a teacher?! I'm still worrying about the course, perhaps I need to make decisions. Too much unsureness about everything I fear at the moment.

Weekend rain

I seem to lose the ability to spell when I type, not good. It's been a few days, but so much has been going on, I think I'm keeping up with all the work, I certianly am feeling a little more settled here, and managing the course better. This is a funny weekend, the other two girls are away, so I feel a bit on my own in the house, but then the landlady and her partner are there, minus her children, which makes things quieter. I have never met such rude and horrible children as they can be at times. Does that make me seem old? I don't think so, I think anyone would be horrified by thier behaviour. I don't listen in, often you just cannot help hearing and being woken up by yelling. I wonder if they were to find themselves somehow listening, whether that would make a difference? It's good to have two fellow students to compare notes with as it were, we are all dismayed often, and shocked, but mostly just sad that someone must feel so angry, and maybe unhappy to behave like that.
I have been busy today, a slow start this morning, leisurely breakfast, then lots of letters and postcards that I'm behind in sending out. They are not a chore though. I then braved the weather, pulled on my floral patterned wellies, and strode forth into the rain. It was brilliant! Everywhere saturated with mist, and I was soon covered in a light dusting of rain, but it was very refreshing. I went down to Castle Beach, and just wandered. The sea was tremendous, I only braved standing right at the edge. The rock pools were wonderful, and I waded through, startling a few fish which fled from my boots. Definitely a brisk and bracing walk!
After lunch I decided to be very diligent and go up to the library, but was thwarted by the rear view mirror in my car breaking off as I was halfway up the road. This was scary, I've driven without a wing mirror before, but I think it was legal, as long as you have two rear facing mirros (which I do) It ended up with me going up and down the road from where I'd left the car to the house, trying to find something that would stick it back down. Double sided tape, rubbish, pva glue, equally so. On my 3rd trip, I found as well that I'd locked my self out. Which was very embarrassing as no one else was then in, and I had to text my landlady. Weird thing is, I kind of knew it was going to happen as I was going in and out. The little thought had crept into my head 'what would you do if you left your keys inside?' And of course I found out. So now I have to figure out a way of getting back in and how to fix my mirror back. I made it to the library though, so something went right

Lie in at last

I realised yesterday that I haven't had a really good sleep since the end of August, probably since my car was broken into and wrecked after being left in a Birkenhead car park. Since then, I've had so many things to get sorted, so many huge adjustments to make, that sleep has suffered. I moved out of my own house shortly after that to my parents again, rented my house, and moved to Falmouth for a year. I haven't caught my breath yet. It's taking a while to get settled and to adjust to the idea that I now live in someone else's house, with them, and with two other students. That has been harder than I realised. In fact, I don't think I thought very much about that aspect at all before moving here. I am slowly accepting that I now have just one room which is bedroom, living room, office and bathroom (toilet and shower in a cosy en suite!) to me, and that I do not exclusively use the kitchen. I am definitely an independent person, sharing is tough at times. I'm fortunate to be sharing the house with some nice people.
Sleep though. Last night wasn't too bad, it was only around midnight before I fell asleep, and I did manage to lie in, blissful. Tomorrow I will try to as well. Today has been a good day, almost every item on my 'to do' list has been accomplished. Also, I found some good things at the car boot sale so ebay can be up and running again, some money in at last, my poor bank account is crying and starving. Almost all to do things have been done, just a small matter of essays and letters to write. I'd better go and make a start, or it will be another sleep barren night.

Thursday, friday, saturday, sunday and monday!

There's been a bit of a gap for a few days, as I went home for a brief weekend back North. It was strange, but I felt quite nostalgic as I hit close to home counties: Worcestershire, then Staffordshire, then Cheshire. I've only been here two weeks! I do actually miss home, I never thought I would, but I even miss Birkenhead a little bit. It was a busy weekend, I seem to be permanently lacking sleep. The drive back on Thursday was very long, and very uncomfortable (so i took a cushion back with me on Sunday!) but it was great to get home and see my family, and talk to some of my friends. Sadly, as I seem to now be a single girl with a cat, I was even more pleased to see my cat, she was pleased to see me which was gratifying, I mean something to someone!
Friday was a day of getting chores done; taking things back, and more importantly getting money back, sorting out a few things with my own house and my tenant (it is an odd feeling going back to your own house and someone else is living in it) Being both landlady and tenant at the moment, there is a lot of house stuff to think about, not least that I really miss my own house, my own domain. Getting used to sharing a house again, and being as it were a lower member of that house is very hard.
I crossed off most stuff on my to do list though, and Saturday was a much more relaxed day. Mum and I went to Frodsham and did some second hand shopping - lots more books for ebay! Then we indulged in some take away chips and CSI, fab, I miss Grissom.
Sunday was unfortunately travelling back. Of course I left some vital things I meant to take: my flask of coffee which I seemed to be unduly upset about, and also my CD rack (mum persuaded me I wouldn't need it, but I do!!) and some books. I am bereft of so many of my books! There's only space for so many in my room, oh dear. But I made it back in good time, just over 6 hours with three stops which is very good going from Wirral.Some small excitement on the way was a burning car at Taunton Deane, I pulled in just as the fire brigade were arriving. It was a melancholy site, a blackened wreck of metal and a little heap of someone's suitcases and belongings beyond.
So much driving. I got back, and then had to go out again to Tremough to finish my assignments and post them. This is something I'm struggling a little with: posting work into public and having comments then made, but useful I guess.
Today has been more slow paced. I sorted out all my extra stuff, somethingI always enjoy doing, and feel now a little more of me is in my room, it is becoming more 'my room'. I have had my first lesson this evening, tutoring a little girl in maths and english, it was surprisingly good to get back to teaching. maybe that is what I'm meant to do, oh help! Maybe soon I'll find what I'm going to do with my life, with the rest of my life, at the moment I'm feeling very uncertain.

Wednesday aleady

Lovely evening yesterday at Miss Peapod's, it was really good getting to know people better, and having some enthusiastic discussions. Feminism was much argued over and interpreted! Today was a better day, fearful of another bad start like yesterday I was actually half an hour early for our first lecture. This was very good, and some useful thoughts and information came up. Tutorial this afternoon, and then very prosaically I need to go to the post office and the bank. Funding and finance remain something of a dark shadow over things at the moment. I am excited to be thinking about something original to say about witches and witchcraft for next week, but at the same time, I'm occupied in thinking about visiting home this weekend. I have missed my family, friends, and my cat. It will also be very good to return with my luxury items that wouldn't fit into my first carload down. Things such as my bookcase, more books, wellies and a warm coat, lovely! Oh, and some more food. My cupboard space is increasing as my little stock of food decreases. Still, the weight decreases also, the size eight jeans are within reach...

Tuesday

Not a good start, late (by two minutes) for class, had to wait outside in disgrace, this may have scarred me for the rest of the course. I think I have recovered now though, lots of support from fellow students.
First blog entry, not as hard as I thought. Not looking forward to creating the webpage though, feel quite nervous about that. It will be good to meet other postgraduates tonight at Miss Peapods, even though I'm not certian where that is...