Dew Drops

Delicious little sweets, and I've just eaten a whole bag of them, now feel slightly sick. Again, I've spent money when I didn't mean to, and didn't want to. Having just spent £200 on a new cooker for my house, I really cannot buy anything else for a good while. time to be putting more stuff up for sale on ebay, another wardrobe clear out perhaps: what can I really do without?
This evening though more money will be spent, as I'm going to Falmouth for late night shopping. It will just have to be window shopping I expect, dreams and ambitions through glass. So many things I see I want, but I know I cannot have them. I wondered a while ago about the sacrifice of material things for learning. Which is what I have done coming here. Giving up possessions though is hard, I want things! New clothes, books, ornaments, good food. I'm becoming a little urchin, wandering the streets in my increasingly ragged clothes and boots with holes in, peering through windows. Not quite at the point of pressing my nose against the glass, or selling matches in the street, but it could easily go that way.
I'm not quite sure how I moved from small sugar coated jelly sweets to urchins, but that's how it goes sometimes. Random thoughts. Suddenly, everything is random. It's a word I rarely heard until I moved to Cornwall, and now I hear it several times a day, I hear myself saying it. Sometimes a word just catches your ear, and you hear it then everywhere. Sometimes it's visual, something is always in your eye. Definitely rambling now. Time to face the bus, and enjoy the glittering Christmas windows of Falmouth.

Wednesday

Middle of the week again. Penultimate week of term: this is mad; how has the time gone so fast? Woken again this morning by more drama from the family. Apparently, one of my house mates shouted out from her room for them to 'Shut up!' I was certainly thinking that, and muttering it under my bedclothes, but didn't have the gumption to actually do that. I guess though it probably wouldn't have done much good: I may have felt better for doing so; but it wouldn't have made them feel any better; it would have embarrassed my landlady which would not have been fair. Anyway, it makes mornings very awkward when the shouting and conflict gets loud. The walls of the house and doors seem to be very thin at these times.
So I spent some time this afternoon having a look at rooms available on the noticeboard; not seriously as I know that really I won't move, I just needed to have a look.
An interesting day so far then. Half-seriously I pitched an idea for a book about Service Stations for our non-fiction seminar, and it was well received, maybe I'm onto something. The research, and sheer environmental damage from petrol used however would be ridiculous. So maybe not. I think I'll stick with my cat stories for children's fiction, much more fun. Sadly it's pouring down with rain, Cornish weather, but it's not cold. Cold, wet weather is the bitter end of the year.
Money is becoming difficult: I keep spending it. Hot chocolate at Five Degrees yesterday taking a chunk of £2 out of my budget - but it was so worth it; covered in tiny marshmallows and sweet, sweet chocolate sprinkles. Perhaps unrealistically I've been trying to stick to £3 a day on food, some days it works, others it doesn't. Asda smart price really does help at times. Sometimes though you just need a quality bag of sweets or a bar of real chocolate. I'm looking forward to reaching the days again when I can eat a meal and not think to myself 'that cost me 40p per portion'. Kind of takes the fun out of eating. Still, the size eight skirt now fits nicely; the impoverished student diet has some benefits.

More Clarity Today

Hopefully anyway. I realised after glancing over yesterday's entry, that I had leaped wildly from writing about biscuits to punctuation marks to emotions, with not a clear thread between them. I think it was reflecting the state of chaos that was in my mind. Still slightly chaotic: not much sleep again last night, this is getting tiresome. Strangely enough, at the end of November, it was too hot to sleep! I ended up flinging the window wide and throwing the quilt off. Falmouth has a very different climate to the North West - my family report that there have been regular frosts since the beginning of November, and the cats and dog are pressed close to the fire every evening.
That's another thing I'm missing: a real fire. My parents have always had one, and it makes a winter evening. We have even roasted sweet chestnuts in it, and toasted bread on a fork; it tastes so much nicer than toaster toast. But not long now until Christmas holidays and some time to enjoy home and home comforts. As I think I've said before, the two weeks I will have off will be the first proper holiday in a long time. I'm going to try and use the time well though: plan what next, do some writing and take time just to enjoy.
I had a really interesting conversation with someone today about enjoying studies. That I think was the main reason I came here, because I enjoy writing, and I want to learn more about it. I have ambitions to, but I've never wanted to do a degree simply to gain a qualification.
Today has been a good day actually: I felt like I got somewhere with creating my website; it now has some proper content and the start of a layout; and I was offered a great opportunity with the college which I'm going to take. Since I've come here there have been down days, and I have thought at times I'd just like to go home, but then chances come, people reach out to you and you can take what is offered and be able to offer something yourself. I don't know if that sounds quite right, and hopefully I don't sound too pretentious, but essentially I am enjoying the journey here and realising that I made the right decision.

No more biscuits

Unfortunately not; all gone; eaten; only crumbs left in the biscuit tin. I'm also practising my use of the semi-colon, and other punctuation marks, so excuse any terrible mistakes: I'm experimenting having re-read Lynne Truss's famous book this week. My emotions seem to be swinging wildly up and down at the moment: one day I'm feeling positive and happy, feeling that at last I've found my path in life and I'm going to be a published writer; the next, it's all despair and hopelessness, and doubt in myself to make it work. All I can do is keep going and keep writing. My head feels kind of fuzzy too; not enough sleep for the last week. Partly to do with keeping deadlines, which has meant writing till past midnight, it has also been to do with the usual worry about all the things I need to do which I haven't done yet. Today was going to be a day for striking some things off the list, and I haven't managed to yet. I will keep this brief for now, and come back later.
To Leigh who has been kind enough to comment on my blog and my writing, thank you so much for your words, and I'm sorry I've not kept up as much with your blog, I am reading your posts and catching up now.
I think it's the nearing the end of term feeling - there's a finishing post in sight: portfolios will be in soon, and then we on the course can all draw breath. Until then the pace has picked up and I feel in danger of being left behind. At least I know that I've not missed a deadline yet, and I don't intend to either. I work best if I have a brief and deadline, and I am clear on what I have to do. If I'm not sure I panic, and then get behind. It takes a while to get to know your working practice - I think I'm understanding mine more.

Very Late on Sunday

Almost eleven at night, and I'm in the college library, writing away, after a day spend mostly writing, with the odd break to eat a home made ginger biscuit, or seven. They didn't help much. I'm struggling to continue a story which began well, following a story form, abut is now slipping out of control: the characters are doing their usual and not doing what I want them to. I think I've broadly stuck to the structure, it's in there somewhere, but the story seems to be fighting to break free. I'll persevere tomorrow.
Sundays seem to be beach days. I had another walk along which was much needed. In the end, it was a longer walk than I had intended: almost to Swanpool from Gillie Beach (don't think that's spelled quite right) but it was lovely. And I saw a wild rabbit, then embarrassed myself as someone stopped to ask what I was looking at and I replied 'A bunny.'
There were masses of dogs about. This is their season. A lot of greyhounds, and a beautiful Dalmatian with a red collar which was called Pebbles - it was being chased by a little girl with very pink cheeks.
I think I can't write any more just for the moment, my eyes are tired and my back aches. The thought of a warm and comfortable bed is very appealing. And maybe just one more ginger biscuit.

Saturday

Catching up today, two posts to make up for the fact of not writing one yesterday. Still feel this is a bit of a word explosion onto the page, thoughts just come out. I still haven't done the work I meant to today. Procrastination: cooking, letter writing and tidying up. My favourite deferment activities. I really need to begin getting my portfolio together, and improving my web page content. At least I have something up, but I need more, and need to get it organised. Also, I need to re-write my 'About Me' section - on the website and on the Bloc site. It's been edited a little bit awkwardly, and s sentence has been taken out of context so now speaks baldly that 'I want to be a better writer' which I do, but not to express things in that way. Presenting yourself is a difficult thing to do. I think I will put up the script I wrote for a screen writing session. We were lucky enough to meet with Michael Wiese who has published many books on the subject, and Colin Rogers. They liked my script! So did everyone else, which was a wonderful feeling. With some editing and changes, I think it will work well. Perhaps this is the option I should take, and work on a novel myself. Too many choices. It's hard enough deciding what to eat sometimes. Finishing I've just decided is a difficult choice as well; sometimes the right point just happens, other times you have to create it yourself. Sometimes the library does it for you by turning the computers off. I think I'll end here.

Friday

This is a little late being posted, but better than not at all. I had something of a day off yesterday, refuelling, mentally and physically. I wrote, but just a little in the evening. The day started early, up to Tremough even on a day I didn't have to be, for a talk about going into teaching, which I really don't know if I want to do, but feel like it's heading that way. I was very grumpy about having to pay £2 to park, for two hours. Previously I have been driving people in as well as myself, and parking down a little side road in Penryn, blocking in no one, not creating a dangerous situation in the road. Then on Wednesday an article appeared in the Packet, about students parking badly, which some do, the next day, the police and council have been issuing tickets, including one on my car. I see an opportunity to use 'The Form' to argue against this, however, the point is that it's created a difficult situation for me. On one hand, I don't wan to be a cause of pollution, and more carbon: I'm not being a selfish driver and simply driving myself in - the car is always full. The buses are so unreliable, and on a dark evening, waiting around for a bus in a badly lit place is the last thing I want to do, and want my friends to do. The bus is also expensive, despite a small subsidy for students. My budget is very tight, driving and driving others who kindly donated me some petrol money was cheaper. It is a dilemma. Am I by insisting on wanting to drive, even though I'm car sharing, being irresponsible? I'd be far more willing to get the bus if they were cheaper and more reliable. Any thoughts welcome.
I drove my friend and I to Truro yesterday, but we parked out of town and walked a way in. It's a lovely city, it reminded me of Chester, lots of little streets, old buildings which in Truro's case (unlike a lot of Chester) have been saved. The cathedral was beautiful, and fascinating for the fact of its little quirk in shape - it's not quite in a straight line.
I spent more money than I intended to, and bought far too many sweets. I just find it very hard to resist. If I calculated how much money I spend on sweets on a year, it would be horrifying. But at least they've brought me pleasure, even if it is hollow, calorie laden pleasure. Oh dear.

Ideas

There are lots of ideas swimming about at the moment, getting them all down and figuring them out is more difficult. Sometimes when we're given an idea, and an instruction, about what to write it all goes astray, and I end up with something not quite to the brief. That happened in one of my last pieces of writing. I think it worked well, but looked beyond the brief slightly. Maybe it was making connections. Perhaps its needing to let go of ego. I like the fact that there is a huge amount to learn.
Unfortunately though that is still not helping me to sleep at night. Great long 'to do' lists haunt me, and wake me at horrible o'clock in the morning panicking that something hasn't been done. Career Development Loan being a big one at the moment, plus a lot of letters that really need to be written.
I've tried keeping in touch with friends through facebook, the trouble is, I've got swamped by it, too many applications, people send me stuff and it gets lost. A little bit of pruning needs to be done I think. Which reminds me, rather tangentially, of something my parents' neighbour said: a man prone to malapropisms or barberisms as we've now called them. He was telling my dad that his teenage son is now spending a lot of time in the bathroom, 'pruning' himself. Quite an image. I must keep a note of all these things.
Scripwriting this afternoon, I'm looking forward to it. Not sure if I can do it, but I'm going to have a good try.

Long Day

Wednesdays are not usually long, so perhaps this is why I'm feeling the length of hours spent concentrating more than usual. I haven't actually had any tea yet, so am starving, and am beginning to be sidetracked by thoughts of food, particularly desserts. Another short entry in this diary of sorts as we will shortly be thrown off the computers as the library closes up. I'm thinking more about how this blog is developing. Reluctantly at first, but it has become a habit, and feels very difficult now to not write anything. Still there is not quite yet a rhythm to it, or a voice. That's still developing. At the moment it is a record of events, of feelings, thoughts, developments I hope too. I think I'm mostly writing it for myself, with the awareness that at least one other person will definitely be reading it, though, which was pleasing, others have read it and been kind enough to comment on my words. There is no theme here, not consciously anyway, though I think there is underlying what I write the newness of my setting, the feelings towards the new path my life has taken, and my thoughts about writing as I embark on taking it seriously for the first time in a long time.
So today has felt a long day. Thinking this morning about the pieces we are handing in, including this blog; and then an afternoon spent being introduced to features, which was interesting. I have some ideas that might work for features. That might be the route I take alongside either a book or a screenplay. Not much time left to decide. I shall go and think some more. And have something to eat.

Clouds

Very strange dreams last night, clouds lined with fire, and me driving through darkness and rain to make a meeting. which was then cancelled. I couldn't sleep well, strange noises, humming and throbbing were coming from the docks which plunged into a disturbing nightmare world in the dark. Trouble is if I leave the light on I can't sleep either so I have to have darkness. Then shapes emerge as I'm drifting.
I will start my dream diary again. The price paid for a vivid imagination are some fearful nightmares over the years. I have at home notebooks full of words, dreams, visions. I am feeling a lack of sleep today though, things are not quite right, spelling is suffering, and words appear on the paper, and the screen, the wrong way round. It might be interesting to publish this without spell check.I can spell, but sometimes my fingers have a little seizure on the keys.
Just had a quick break for some crips and chocolate, haven't eaten chocolate for days, so succumbed to the temptation of a dairy milk with creme egg bar. Feel pleased with the comments on my writing this week, a story about cats doing unusual things went down well. Maybe I'm becoming a proper writer.

Teaching

Somehow I feel as if I'm being drawn towards teaching, inexorably (I like the sound of that word!) When I got my first English degree, it was assumed that was what I was going to do with it from everyone who wanted to know what my degree was in. I resisted, but ended up as a teaching assistant for a few years. I enjoyed the work very much, but knew when the time had come to move on. Now I find myself thinking about teaching. I tutor a couple of children, and love doing that. One thing I'd really like to do and have thought about for a while is lecturing, but have been told that a phd is necessary for that. That is next on my studies list, when I can afford to. I enjoy helping people to learn, and passing on what I know, and helping others to find out, encouraging, bringing on what they already know. I've never had a vocation, things in life have sometimes just happened, jobs have become known to me, and I've gone for them. I want to make a living by writing, but I'm fairly certain that at first I will need a 'base' career and a safety net to work in as well. Money is always the cold reality, sadly. Maybe if I actually played the lottery I would have a chance of winning it. It's like when I was overweight, I would complain constantly about wanting to be thin, and how I could never lose weight, as I reached for a box of jaffa cakes. It took a while to sink in that actually I just needed to eat less and exercise more. Hmm, don't know quite how I got here from teaching, but it's something I can write a little more on. There is a danger of becoming a weight loss bore, but I'm pleased with myself for losing nearly three stone in eighteen months. Just slipped that in there neatly - as I can now slip into a size eight. That was a moment to savour. In the changing room of Next, a lovely green skirt in my grasp, and hope in my heart. I was fortunately not alone to celebrate the moment, two of my friends were with me, and were kind enough to congratulate me. The slim fast shakes had been worth it.

Rain

I'm struggling for an idea, and really should be writing for that, but here goes, maybe something will come. Maybe I should just sit and write. I took a long walk along Castle Beach today, scuffing in the sand, splashing in the rock pools, I really enjoyed myself, and I found a stone shaped like a snail which pleased me. It's now sitting on my window sill, gazing out over the harbour. I think I needed the sea air to blow round me for a bit, I've not taken nearly enough advantage of having a beach five minutes walk away from where I'm living. The sea was wonderful, storm green, and the sky to match, rain smacking the sand, and then suddenly, the sun burst through and a rainbow shone over.
The rain is pounding again though, dark streaks running down the window. I don't think I'll walk out this evening, perhaps use the luxury of the car instead for once. I've somehow managed to drive nearly 3000 miles since the beginning of September when I got the car, and that's without using it every day, it must be the epic trips up and down the West of the country, Cornwall to Wirral which I've undertaken three times now. I used to have to drive every day for work, and felt that my life was just driving: sitting, checking, looking in mirrors, judging other people, making decisions, but I'm breaking out of that, driving is a pleasure again, and even when I make the 350 mile trip up North, it's an adventure. It's easy to become a bit of a car geek, but I have geek potential definitely, being always interested in trip clock mileages and miles per gallon performance. There's an inner geek in all of us.

Baking

The baking helped. I feel calmer today, and a little less stressed, even without confectionery. There is something very satisfying about creating food. I made vegetable soup and a pear and ginger crumble. this evening I have a large batch of ginger biscuits planned before I go out to a party one of my fellow students is hosting. It's felt a more satisfying day, and I've got a lot a things done. Unfortunately, some tasks have been procrastination. There are several assignments pending, and I haven't begun them all yet. So the trip to Tescos, and the laundry and floor mopping whilst useful, were not really essential. Coming up to the library was me trying to force myself into action. I guess this is the professional bit about writing, self discipline and motivation. There just seem to be so many other life things to fit in as well. i know though that I can be a very lazy person, and I'm very bad about getting things done on time. I make lots of 'to do' lists, but some items have been on them for literally years, always put off as being too difficult and time consuming to tackle just yet. On the other hand, sometimes I'm very proactive, and get things done immediately. I wouldn't have got myself here to this stage otherwise. Part of the problem may be not having a holiday for a while, two years properly. The longest space of time I've had when I've not had to do anything else; work or commitments in the last two years has been 3 days. What I do is try to snatch time as much as I can, and use days here when I'm not in college as days off. not all of them, but weekend days particularly, I like to go out and do something. Little pieces of time are not enough though. I think I've made the decision that I'm not going to work over Christmas. I'm going to use the time to plan, to write and to make some decisions.
My mum has very very kindly offered to buy me a laptop for Christmas. It's given me incredibly mixed feelings though. I'm really happy, and it will be wonderful and useful to have one, but at the same time I feel guilty that she is spending such a lot of money on me, and I feel then pressure that it means I have to succeed at this, and I don't know yet if I can. But I will keep trying my hardest.

Growing Up

Sometimes I wish I wasn't a grown up. Too many responsibilities. My car, which has unfortunately since passing my driving test 5 years ago become an essential part of my life, was damaged last night. I came out to find a sticker left on the window by the police, and the wing mirror hanging off. Somehow, I didn't feel angry, just depressed that it had happened, again, and here in Falmouth, where, perhaps naively I'd thought car crime didn't happen. My previous car had its mirrors kicked off three times when I lived in Birkenhead. the last time was when someone attempted to steal it, couldn't drive it away , so wrecked it instead, leaving a forlorn wreck of a car. That was the end of August, just before I moved here. Very fortunately, I have a kind father who helped me out with a newer fiesta. Just what is the point of knocking off a wing mirror? It's not like whoever did it got anything from it. It was just another thing I had to deal with. I missed my lecture, I lost time and money phoning the police and taking it to be fixed. What stopped complete despair at human nature setting in though was two very nice mechanics at the garage who managed to fix it back on for free for me. I bought them some biscuits. So that's the car. The other responsibility and source of stress at the moment is my own house, which I'm renting out at the moment. Damp is becoming a real problem. I didn't have a problem with it, but it's an old house, the bricks are crumbling in places, and damp is creeping in. Maybe I should just sell. Too much to think about. I'm going to go in a moment, buy some chocolate, and make a pear and ginger crumble. And wish I was a cat: they have no responsibilities. But they can't eat chocolate, damn!

Still writing

Once again, not sure what to write, but let's see. Seems like more moans, but this is a way of working things through. A little bit of tension came to the surface today on the course. I think we had all been sensing that there was unhappiness, all of us have been having little moans to each other about some aspects of the course. The main thing seems to be our worries about technology and communications, how they are not always reliable, sometimes late, sometimes wrong. Some class time this morning then was used in talking about this. Part of it is I think that we feel compared to last year's group. I know a lot of great things were done by the students, we don't feel up to all that somehow. When I came for an open day I felt how glowingly last years students spoke of the course, and I think most of us are yet to feel that.
I spoke about something a lot of us have said between us, which was that we felt unprepared for the year: for all the equipment in terms of constant email / Internet access, a laptop we would need. The response was that the tutors assumed we would know this as professional writers. At that I felt very small, inadequate and unprofessional. I don't have a laptop. To be honest, I couldn't afford one in paying for the course. I know now it will be very useful to have one, and that at some point soon I'm going to have to get one. The problem with complaining or criticising is that you expose yourself when you do so. I try to think very carefully before doing so. It's easy to criticise emptily. It's important to back up what you say with a solution, if you have a problem and a valid reason for a criticism.
I hope that we can get over this, things are beginning to feel somewhat fractured amongst us, and there is still tension: the feeling that something is going to be said, something unpleasant. But maybe it needs to be, and we can move on. To end on good note though, I can see through the window of the library the hillsbelow the sky which is pale blue cloud. Framing the scene are trees with sunlight glowing through. A beautiful November day.

More writing

Not quite in the mood for writing, things feel a bit flat. I think I'm in the middle of the feeling that I can write, but I'm not as good as I thought I was, and I'm not certain yet how I can get better. The course is one way, but for the moment my writing feels a bit stagnant. When I was younger, still at school, there was no stopping the writing, I had so many ideas, notebooks filled with words, dreams, stories, poems. Then somehow it gradually slowed, and stopped, for a while. It's back, but not yet up to the pitch that it was. I guess I just have to keep going, and writing.
Stories seem to figure a lot of cats at the moment. And rabbits. They are my favourite animals, and Watership Down is one of my favourite books, though it didn't go in the six chosen recently. Cats have always been loved deeply, though I got to 20 before I was able to have one of my own. She of course is still very much with me, and is still full of kitten energy and play. She seems to invite stories and adventures to be told about her.
This is going to be short I think today. I'm tutoring very shortly, and then a rather mundane trip to Asda, but it's always a chance to observe and think, overhear an interesting snippet of dialogue. More later.

Rain

Tuesday again, not my favourite day of the week as it's neither beginning, middle or end. A nowhere day. Not a bad day though this Tuesday having just hurt its feelings criticising it! I feel like I've finally arrived - I have a website! Bit of a blank canvas as yet, and name not yet decided, but will post it up as soon as it takes a little more shape. There is something quite cool about typing in your name and your own page coming up. I can see there is great potential there, and once I have the technical skills, I'll really enjoying making it my own, decorating and furnishing it. It may even become my surrogate house as I'm missing that at the moment! The contents part of it needs some organisation as yet, but there is stuff to go on. Layouts and presentation also need a lot of work, but the start has been made. It's challenging stuff though this website building. A friend was telling me as I (half joking) mentioned that paying someone to create a site for me seemed like a good idea, that hundreds of pounds can be charged for this. Maybe I've gone into the wrong career. Then again possibly I'm not naturally minded that way, I don't know. It's something I've never tried, or even really thought of trying. Like tree surgery: never came into my radar of job options, but then a former colleague left to go and train as one. Maybe I could have turned out to be a brilliant tree surgeon, maybe I will. I like the idea of being able to try all sorts of things, something I need to keep doing and keep refreshing myself with. Perhaps a list of careers / hobbies to try at some point would be interesting. I think I've tended to go for safe options for work up to this point, and haven't been too beyond the ordinary. Now and again though, I like to go and have an adventure and try something different, probably not often enough. I feel a definite list coming on, and some research. Time for a new experience.

Back Again

Feel a little rusty after not writing this for three days, still, a good reason for not doing so I think. The weekend at home was brilliant. I got home as I thought just after 9pm on Thursday, time enough for a couple of hours to wind down after the drive, and to be made a fuss of by my parents and my cat, who was delighted in her way to see me. It's always nice to be missed! Friday was a wonderful day: we drove up to Lancaster (thankfully my mum drove me, I don't think I could have faced getting back into the car so soon) and we were immediately treated to fish and chips by my uncle Eric. We then worked them off gathering and chopping wood for a bonfire. Eric lives on a farm, bordered by a stream with overhanging trees, so no shortage of wood. He had also had a big clear out from his shed which contains years of family oddments. On the bonfire pile was an old wardrobe and a commode chair!
We broke from the firewood collecting to have slices of ginger cake, a recipe called 'Moorland Moggy' which is deliciously soft and gingery, with lemon icing. As it grew dark we lit the first phase of the bonfire, tremendous! The heat and the speed of the flames devouring everything was awesome. We had hot potato soup while we watched it, and put some potatoes wrapped in foil in the embers at the bottom. Eric keeps a few chickens who danced about a bit watching the flames, not too bothered, and then took themselves off to roost (not roast, these are pet chickens)
We had the bonfire in two stages, a quick burst to burn all the rubbish, and then a longer burning fire for all the wood. It was damp at this time, so it steamed and smoked for a little while before erupting.
The potatoes were cooked perfectly, and had a gorgeous smoky taste, nothing better. I think though I ate far too much carbohydrate - three lots of potato in one day! Plus cake, chocolate and fish. The pounds are creeping back... Then again, I think gathering all the wood probably knocked a few off.
It was a real winter day, bone chillingly cold, and then the heat of the bonfire. Even Auntie Dorothy who is a venerable lady of one hundred was able to enjoy it from indoors. Eric is her son, and carer. She would not have made the age she is without his care.
I seem to be jumping from one thing to another, but I feel there is a lot to write about. I have actually missed writing, now it's all blurting out!
It was a good weekend. So much to pack in, and not enough time to see everyone I wanted to. I only got to visit a couple of friends, but it was good to be home again. I do miss Wirral, despite being in some ways gald to be away from it. Coming back to Falmouth this time was not as bad. I went home a month ago, two weeks after starting the course, and was very reluctant to come back, this time as I have said in my laste few entries, I'm feeling happier here.
I think this is enough for now, rather a chunk of words. More tomorrow!

Long drive ahead

Just a very short entry, for various reason. One being our reading group which starts in ten minutes, and another that I'm going home this today, back up to Wirral, which will be brilliant, once I get there. If I can leave today at 3pm, I should be back about 9pm. My little car makes good time, as long as the roads are clear. I have a little bag of provisions to keep me going as well: a crust of a loaf I baked, and a flask of hot chocolate! I enjoy driving, even such a long journey as this, but it's thinking time, and a chance to not do anything else. It's also one of the few occasions I listen to some of my music. Sadly, I am very dated, and still have cassettes, but there's something good and solid about a tape: slotting it in, rewinding, slightly grainy sound. My friends laughed at me when I was taping my CDs in preparation for coming down here, but I'm just not ready yet for an ipod. It takes me time to get used to new things, and I like to choose what I want to have, rather than thinking I should have it because lots of other people do.
I've really felt, on a completely different thought trail now, that I am now part of our group at college. We are all somehow, more at ease with each other. It feels natural when we sit and have lunch, and have conversations about semi colons. I love this. That was what I was missing, in the sense of being able to talk to others about things that are important in other ways: books that we love, how a sentence works. They may seem esoteric, but sometimes you need that. It's like my dad talking to his friends about black 5s (steam engines) and whether LNER engines are better than GWR engines. We all need our obsessions and passions.
Time is just about up, I haven't written the rest of my story, but I think that's okay. I'll work on it as I drive.

Arrival

Parcel here at last! I have become emotionally involved with this parcel, and was overjoyed to see it on the stairs when I got in today. It did indeed contain chocolate, slightly crushed bars, but none the less wonderful tasting. It must be at least three days since I'd had any, blissful. And a letter from my mum with the leaves from Lancaster. I also had a letter from a friend at my old workplace, and more prosaically, a bank statement. But it wasn't too awful to read, so overall a good post day. The parcel had been delayed no fault of Royal Mail, my mum had put the wrong house number so it had been waiting I think only yards form me, the chocolate perhaps calling to me tragically. The bars are safe now though!
Other than that, not a bad day. I'm feeling more at ease with the others on the course, had a good chat today with a few people. And our group handed in our witch project, which we were very satisfied with, and proud of. Our trip to Padstow and Harlyn was very valuable.
It brought me a bit of guilt though, we'd talked about splitting petrol costs (I had driven) and I hadn't asked any more since the trip, but then texted the other guys today about it. I just hope I'm not being too mercenary about petrol money. When people have a lift from me, they usually give me a bit of money. At first, some people did and others didn't, so I thought that it would be better to ask everyone for 20p a time. I do get anxious about money, I don't like to ask, but then I feel troubled if I haven't, and don't want to be taken advantage of. That's probably a bit extreme though, and unfair to people. Money is a burden. Not enough especially, if I had more, I wouldn't think about asking, but feeling that every penny is important at the moment, I have asked, and now feel guilty and a bit grasping. I will talk to the others.
Writing not feeling so good at the moment. The character piece we handed in this week, is not as good as it should have been. Reading others' work has made me really question my piece, and feel that horrible inadequacy again. Perhaps character writing is something I do need to work on. That and dialogue I think. What happened this time was I think that I got too involved with the scene setting, and actually the secondary character took over. My main character was a little too bland and good. But I will try again.
The piece we are writing for Derrick seems to be coming okay. It's a silly piece about a tightrope walking rabbit with ambitious dreams, so I hope it achieves its aims.
One other assignment which was very easy to do, and fun was listing six favourite books: Lord of the Rings, Foyle's Philavery, Roget's Thesaurus (combined these as one, so cheated a tiny bit!) The Aspern Papers (Henry James) The Chalet School In Exile - Elinor Brent Dyer, Wilkins Gets aJob - Marjorie Newman and The Princess and the Goblin - George MacDonald
Must stop now before the computers log off and all is lost!

Now very worried

The parcel has still not arrived, and it has been confirmed that it did contain chocolate, and irreplaceable things. My mum posted it to me from Lancaster, and she included a letter, and some leaves from her walk. If they are lost, I can never have them. That troubles me.
I have been reading a few peoples' blogs who are also on the course, it was reassuring in some ways, as I think all of us are to some extent experiencing shifts in our perceptions of our writing. I used to think of myself, in part due to what others said to me, that I was good at writing. Now I really don't know. I'm not even sure I can write this blog very well, I don't think I have found truly my 'voice' yet. I try and write what is true, how I see things, but then I read other work, and that terrible envy sometimes creeps in, I wish I could have written like that. I felt quite pleased with a piece I had written today, but then with just one comment, I felt sunk, and it was no good. Though I know rationally, that that is unfair to the person who made the comment, and actually they were quite right about the point they made. This is hard. My confidence feels destroyed at times. I need more ambition, and to be more active, somehow though I drift sometimes, too many other things happen and want to be done. Perhaps what needs to happen is a plan, some scribbles and drawings on paper, space and time to think without letting the time now run away.

Still no parcel

My mum sent me a parcel last week, first class and it has still not arrived! This is terrible, I'm now feeling very anxious about it, I hate anything to be lost, plus it contained a lot of my post form home, and even worse to be lost, a chocolate bar. Every day since last Monday I've waited by the front door, for that lovely 'thunk' as post drops through the letterbox. I did at least get a letter today from a friend, so something nice. Ironically, if the parcel ever arrives, I will probably have been home and back by the time it gets to me. Not always a great service from Royal Mail. Considering the amount of money I give to them by sending ebay parcels, I should demand a better service, possibly even my own personal postman, now there is an interesting thought.
Enough about post though I think. Apart form the fact, that I need to get to the post office before the close of business today, a bag full of parcels await their destinations. People have been good enough to buy things from me, so I need to send them.
The service I went to last night was very interesting, and I have many things I'm now thinking about. I met some very nice people, who I had seen last Sunday at the group church meeting in Falmouth. They were good enough to admit they had forgotten my name, I was not so brave, but I think they realised and kindly wrote down their phone number and their names for me.
I did a lot of writing last night, and enjoyed doing it. Two pieces, one an argument form, and the other a sentence structure piece. This was the most fun to write as I think it will be the beginning of a story. The argument piece was interesting, and also I realised as I posted it that another student had written on a similar subject. I did feel a little uneasy as when I joked about this she said she had mentioned the subject to me last week, it was not a conscious thing though, I had been going to write about cats, but it wasn't working, chocolate seemed a better subject, and our essays were very different, so I'll not worry about it.
I will finish here today I think, lots to do as I am fond of saying, and we are shortly to have a meeting about our group project which is still not quite finished. It will be soon though!

Afternoon

Here again, four days in a row, I can feel pleased with myself! Have just come from a thwarted attempt to buy some stuff. There is usually a car boot sale at Mabe on Sunday afternoons, sadly, I got there to find the gates locked, and no boot sale, and I even had ten pounds in my purse, ripe for spending! Could really have done with it, I'm running out of things to sell on ebay, am resorting to selling my clothes! Admittedly they are ones that are too big for me, but my wardrobe is rapidly depleting. Hopefully, going home this weekend, and going to the Liverpool Primark with my mum though so can stock up on winter clothes before the cold sets in. I'm really looking forward to being home again: seeing my cat, the dog, my family, and hopefully some of my friends (see how the cat takes priority!) Friday should be brilliant, a huge bonfire at our relative's farm in Lancaster with marshmallows, potatoes, cake and toffees, I shall diet again afterwards. I can feel myself slipping back into bad eating habits on that note though, more sweets and chocolate, and a few more slivers of pumpkin pie, oh and a shortbread biscuit this morning, full of calories. Really missing my sport, but I still haven't got hold of a costume yet. that will have to be at the weekend I think as well.
This is only fairly short today as I'm going back to the house to try a jumble sale, which will I hope be on! I feel the need to buy some books, haven't for at least a week. Then I need to get on with the two outstanding assignments I have, and I am going to the Falmouth Baptist Church this evening to try a service there. I'm still not entirely comfortable going to church, but it's something I wanted to do coming down here, an new start with lots of things.

editing

Sitting in the library at the moment, multi tasking, editing with a group our piece about the curse, and at the same time checking my ebay stuff, and blogging! Successful day so far, a piece of work written, and the group editing is going very well. We are all building up our negotiating and writing skills, this is very useful. We also have some wonderful drawings by Tom who as well as being a superb musician can also draw and write, I could feel envious.
After this, I think I deserve a cup of tea, and my housemate and I are planning some baking and soup making. With this, I am beginning to feel more of a home where I'm living.
I was talking to someone last night about feeling the need for challenges in our lives, and that seems right. I thin my last challenge probably was leaving a job two years ago that I was desperately unhappy and bullied in, and managing to fund my life for three months independently, tutoring and selling books second hand on the Internet. It was hard, but brought amazing freedom: I could wake up in a morning and decide where I would travel to that day, to search for treasure in car boot sales and charity shops. I then joined the dependent working life working life again for two years, before arriving in Falmouth, jobless but determined. My sights are on that same kind of freedom, working myself using my own resources. I think it's possible, I just have to work very hard.
Thinking back to yesterday, there was something I will always remember, walking along the beach at Harlyn Bay, butter yellow sand underneath and the sea turquoise beyond. On a November day, it was so beautiful. I was so glad to be here.

Haunting

Really good day today in Padstow and Harlyn, searching for a cursed field for a research topic. We found some very helpful people who gave us lots of information and we had a good explore in the area. We found Harlyn house which has a very dark history, and Mother Ivey Bay. After a hard day information hunting we retired to Padstow to enjoy fish and chips and some delicious mint fudge.
Even better, I actually had a good nights sleep, in bed at half nine, and must have been asleep by ten, brilliant! Feel much better. I am typing this on my housemate`s mac something I`ve never used before so typing is slow. Think I prefer a pc or laptop, it keeps doing unexpected things. But it`s saved me going the four miles to Tremough Campus so can`t complain! I`m deciding whether to go out later, I think it would be good to, but I may have to see how much work I get done. There`s a lot to do.
More post today, great. My latest Friends of the Chalet School club magazine has arrived, so that will be a good read tonight.
I enjoyed Padstow, but it made me think about material things, I`ve pretty much given up any spending money to do this course, and so knew I couldn`t really buy anything (apart from fish and chips and fudge of course!) I think though it has been a worthwhile sacrifice, there was nothing I really wanted, I don`t need more things, other than a few more winter clothes, and I think I`ve gained in mind. Being able to be here in Cornwall is better than souvenirs.

Back Again

Two days in a row, this is good. I was thinking last night that I probably write too much negative stuff, need to be more positive and active! Still sleep was non existent last night thanks to house children's Halloween screaming going on in the back garden until half two. Okay, I didn't get to bed till half one, but still. Was fun seeing everyone's costumes last night out in Falmouth, some really great dress, I think the best was someone dressed as a slightly shrunken pumpkin. And I had some pumpkin pie to eat which was wonderful. I was a pig yesterday: nearly a whole 150g mint aero bar, pumpkin pie and three mini doughnuts, the weight will be piling back, it's taken me over a year to lose two and a half stone, but it could go back in weeks. Bread, water and apples today only. Except it would have been had I not finished off the aero bar for breakfast.
I had a nice long conversation with my mum yesterday, she hadn't rung for a few days so I was glad to hear from her. She may be sending me some chocolate in the post, don't know if that's such a good thing. She and my sister had carved a vomiting pumpkin, pitiful rather than evil looking according to the picture I was texted.
My parking space has gone! I'd found a really nice little side road by the campus to park on, but now I think it has been discovered, even getting there at 8.30 and there is a sold block of cars already, unfair. Perhaps I'll just have to get up really early, oh dear.
Just spotted someone else from the course blogging, perhaps Christina is right.
This afternoon we'll be watching the film we made in our first week based on the story of Giant Bolster, looking forward to that, it will be fun to watch. Some chocolate would make it ideal of course. No! I need to get back to my exercise routine as well, haven't played badminton or tennis for weeks! Or even been swimming. There is a problem at the moment with swimming though as I don't actually have a costume, no sign of anything suitable on ebay, so I guess I'll wait till I get home and go to the nice cheap sports shop. Sadly last night I didn't have my hour of tutoring, the family I go to had forgotten to tell me not to come, so I arrived to find a small skeleton child swinging on the gate and myself in the middle of a Halloween party, which was slightly embarrassing. Some spare time gained, but money lost. Note: try not to obsess about money. Time for a scratchcard tonight I think, a small treat.